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“You may throw your rock and hide your hand, working in the dark against your fellow man. But as sure as God made black and white, what’s done in the dark will be brought to the light.” – a traditional American folk song

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been quick to accept an apology and even quicker to offer one of my own. With empathy as my guide, it’s usually been pretty easy for me to see where other people were coming from.

But I was never able to understand how some people could deliberately choose to hurt others: physically, emotionally, or otherwise. I also noticed that those same people often couldn’t humble themselves and apologize unless forced, and they were also likely to repeat the same patterns of behavior and unlikely to change.

For me, at least, it was much, much harder to reach a place of forgiveness when any of these factors were at play.

It all changed for me when I started to delve into the psychology of the perpetrator.

Their behavior is often motivated by a deep need for validation and admiration, without which they cannot function.

They appear confident and charismatic but are actually deeply insecure and fragile.

They shapeshift, presenting as one person in public and someone entirely different behind closed doors. They’re aware that their behavior is unacceptable, but revealing the truth to others would jeopardize their carefully crafted image.

They lack true self-confidence because their self-assessment is based on how others see them rather than what they know to be true about themselves.

They’re often unable to regulate their own emotions, so they rely on others to soothe and reassure them.

They display contempt for others, for their feelings and needs, because these vulnerabilities remind them of their own shame and insecurities.

Their ego is too fragile to accept criticism or feedback, and shame is their constant companion.

To be honest, it sounds like a miserable existence.


So how have I been able to forgive the people who have treated me and people I care about this way?

Time. Therapy. Education. Boundaries.

I refuse to waste any of this precious life ruminating on the past when I could be out enjoying the company of people who are truly kind and empathetic.

I can forgive almost anything with time, but I cannot and do not forget. My peace is too precious to risk for people who don’t deserve it.

And I’ll continue leading with compassion and integrity.